This wasn't suppose to happen to Me

The 1st week that my boyfriend was gone was hard for me I stayed in a lot more and just wanted to remain faithful. Well, that only lasted that month. Lamar came back stronger than ever and guess I was into finding out what could've been. My family adored Lamar much more, as well as my friends since he was closer in age and basically knew all of them. Sad to say but he definitely made it easier to forget about being sad and lonely. Lamar was around for a few good moments in my life. He took me to my prom and was there with roses on the day I graduated but I didn't invite him. Things were just easy with him. The night I graduated we all went out and just as I was getting restless aka "tipsy" and wanted some fresh air he followed me and gave me this well prepared speech about, knowing its wrong for him to have feelings for someone else's girl but why can't he get what he wants sometimes. As many times as I refused to kiss him I allowed it that night. Over the next few weeks we got comfortable with each other and so did my family, everyone forgot about my boyfriend, guess out of sight out of mind again! As a graduation present I received a trip to the Bahamas but right before I left I got a letter from my boyfriend and that should have straighten me out but it didn't especially since Lamar showed up the day before I left getting some much needed quality time. When I returned you would think I got souvenirs for my boyfriend but instead got it for Lamar(my replacement boo).

Days later I got my reality check my boyfriend was graduating from bootcamp and I was going with his family to support him. I let Lamar know this before I left so not to call me while on my trip, probably not the best way to put things but it needed to be done. Being with my man in Texas put things in perspective and while I had feelings for Lamar this is where I needed to be. On the return flight home he called but of course I couldn't answer not with my boyfriend's mother sitting beside me. When we saw each other next he already knew things shifted. The change didn't last long but it couldn't last forever since I was leaving NY for a few years. The night before I left to my surprise Lamar stopped by with a few gifts for me to remember him and out short-lived time. I received a chocolate kiss"for my kisses" a teddybear to hold at night and my favorite perfume that he liked. Just as I thought he was done he starting singing Usher's "superstar" cause for him I was that. Sometimes I still play that song just to remember what that type of feeling was. Feeling u…. Feeling ME!

What had happen was....

Females say all the time that they would rather a man break-up with them than cheat on them. Yes, I can agree with that statement but what happens when its the girl that cheats, do the same rules apply? For men it's physical and for females its emotional, which is more damaging. Men can sleep with anything w/o having a single strand of emotion but when females give their hearts it's very hard to shake.

While in a 2yr relationship there was this guy name Lamar, we happened to have met the same year as my boyfriend just months apart. By the time I met Lamar I had already put months into my relationship but he was still able to blindside me. I was keeping things cool and trying to just be friends but there was a strong attraction.We went to school together so I saw him a lot more and he would walk me to my classes or even pop up in my class. Lamar was handsome, tall, played great ball and could sing, he just had a lot more going for himself then my boyfriend at the time but when your in-love you see past all that. Lamar was older then me but younger than my boyfriend so while he went to college my boyfriend and I got stronger...out of sight out of mind! Well just so happen Lamar's best friend was my best friend's boyfriend so when he came home to visit we all went out and the feelings were reopened. Damn, what am I gonna do now. Lamar and I rekindled our friendship and talked on the phone all the time. While this was happening my boyfriend decided to enlist in the army and I would be left alone for a few months, here would be the test, will I pass or Fail?

Laid Back or Lazy?

Nothing a female hates more than being with an uninspired, unambitious lazy man.I would describe myself as someone who likes to go out as much as possible and just have a good time. Being on the go comes easier to me than just relaxing,so when I meet someone that is the opposite of me it can be a great balance. Once at a joint party in Atlantic City I met a gorgeous guy with a body of athlete, his name was Damon. He was very tall with cuts in his body that I didn't think was possible unless you were a trainer. He introduced himself and we were on it for the rest of the night. Kinda bad since it was my best friend's birthday but when she saw him all was forgiven. Neither of us lived in AC but just so happen we were in neighboring states and he had family in DC which was great cause when visiting them he could just stop on through to my school and meet with me.

All of this sounded perfect or was it just his looks? Anyway, we went forward onto getting to know one another from there. I must admit I miss having great conversations on the phone( remember those moments) well unfortunately he was into talking on the phone but we had nothing to talk about. The conversations were so boring that you could hear a coin drop. I always made up an excuse to either get off or just text. Sometimes I understand why texting is better… case in point. Why did someone this good-looking lack conversational skills. Well the text were enough for me to continue so he decided to come visit me.

Damon arrived to DC is his equally sexy car I mean sexy man, sexy car everything was so good on the outside…aesthetically pleasing for sure. When we went to dinner that night for the 1st time ever I asked about his plan, future etc. he was a good number of years older so I thought it was something that he would not mind expressing. Well he said nothing and what I mean by nothing is; just chillen ,taking his time, seeing where life puts him, I was shocked! Damon said he played ball and was conditioning for a possible"recruitment" but wasn't going to hard cause he'll have time, if not this yr. than the next. What, who thinks like that? If there is a chance if ever that comes along why wait to see if it comes again. While he went on an on I became a lil disgusted. Damon and I continued to go on dates and just hang out but I was never fully enjoying myself cause I knew there was no hope for us. Yea we can have fun for a lil min. but no point in wasting each others time. Sometimes I need to relax and just enjoy life but how enjoyable can it remain when everything is passing you by and your stuck in the same spot still saying umm maybe next year!

don't CHASE ME if your not willing to CATCH ME

The topic of friends/lovers has come up rather recently and I must say I've learned firsthand what I prefer. Nothing like a moment in your life to put things into perspective. I've had many male friends, some closer than others but no one to ever make me think more. Gary was that friend that I shared my life story with in a very short time. Have you ever met someone that it was just easy to talk to? Gary was around for much of my relationships or lack thereof, he watched me; cry, struggle, fall in-love and out. Throughout all my situations going on he was the calming male side helping me see the other side. Over the yrs. there were talk that Gary was secretly feeling me and was ready to take our "friendship" to the next level. Well, I on the other hand prefer just to maintain the friendship,male/females platonic relationships are hard to come by and I wanted to keep it at bay. After yrs. and a few blimps in male selection I finally decided maybe he was right after all.

So it began we went from being Jada and Gary as friends to Jada and Gary the couple. I can honestly say it was cool for a few short months but then went sour. I was so apprehensive in the beginning that I still treated us as friends with an extra something. After Gary crossed over into a frat and got into that lifestyle it was a wrap for me. I became like the athletes girl before they got signed; I helped him learn his materials,sewed his clothes after they beat him out of them and now that he crossed I'm way at the bottom of the list of priorities. Gary reassured me that he wanted to make it work since he was trying to get me for a very long time, so my point is why are you doing everything to ruin the possibility. We went from talking all the time to now text messages which was a mess they can easily be misinterpreted if you don't understand the tone in which they are sent. Forget the relationship.. our friendship was becoming a distance memory.The moment that I knew we could never come back from was when I was hospitalized and everyone that was close to me reach out, checked in and take care of. Gary wasn't one of those people which is disappointing cause we spoke as my friend was taking me in, while everyone else found out word-of-mouth. Never once did he mention to come by, people I just met within the year even came by. One of my good friends saw Gary one day and asked if he checked up on me yet and his punk ass said, "he didn't even know"(insert BULLSHIT face now). Gary use to be the guy that bought my favorite snack just cause, the guy that helped fix my car or the guy that filled my room with balloons on my birthday and found my all-time childhood movie and watched it over and over for hours. What happened? He literally chased me for years, got me and then left me. Could it be that's all I ever was… a challenge?

Pop My Heart Strings!

Have you ever had a crush on someone and when you finally get them its only exciting in the beginning? Just like getting that new job that you've been killing yourself for, everything is new and interesting then creeps in the late hours, excessive workload and competitive coworkers. Well this was my scenario when Xavier entered my world. For the first time ever I had a crush on a guy. We were both New Yorkers but away at school ran in different circles. My circle consisted of the"trendy, popular kids" that was always out and about. Xavier's group was a mix of people with a range of just different, they were more about artistry and music. Many of my males friends felt that X. wasn't in my league but I had more in common with him then put on. Yes, I adore fashion but art and books are a favorite pastime of mine. When we started getting to know each other he expressed that he had mutual feelings for me but backed off cause I seemed materialistic and uppity and while that may be true I needed for him to take a deeper look inside my cover. Since we started "talking" at the end of the school year the summer was open to whatever, we would both be back in NY away from any unnecessary drama. That particular summer I was accepted into an intense internship program but talking to him always made the stressful days seem so much better. Many nights I was exhausted but when Xavier called it was like he put a battery in my back. The way we talked for hours you would've assumed we were in a long-distance relationship but he was only a bridge away.

During one week I got a new car and wanted him to be the first to see it. So I suggested he come over and hang out cause I was done with the just talking.After many excuses of why that was impossible on his end due to no car or knowing how to get to me, I thought maybe he wasn't as into it as I was…. so I went out anyway. Surprisingly, he called back stating that he was already on the road and will see me soon. Of course I was ecstatic, again battery placed in back! We drove to midtown, in the summer New York with the lights beaming can be breathtaking. Xavier and I, drunk, walked and danced in the streets all night until settling on a bench near a fountain. While having a heart to heart X. mentioned that we met before and proceed to relive this story of us being kids at a party where he liked me but I was mean to him which is possible, I was a mean lil girl. Now this could be anybody's story but he then described my attire which is ironic that I knew exactly what he was referring to since my mother has a picture of me in the outfit on her nightstand. Could this be possible that a boy I met at age 6 is the same man I'm dating at 20 yrs. old? As the night came to an end we had corny moments of chasing each other to my car where he then broke my keychain but assured me he could fix anything. As I watched him struggle with my keys he looked up, caught me gaze, dropped them and
brought his face to mine…we shared our first kiss. The lights weren't the only things beaming anymore.

Moving forward we continued seeing each other but the summer was over and it was time to go back to school, now here will be the real test. Once back at school we settled into a relationship. Many dates, cooking for each other and I even had my own space at his apt.(lol u know that's major). Things were moving along great well that was until his ex wanted to come back into the picture, I went on a trip with my ex and then X. decided to become this hot boy. The once shy guy who criticized my materialistic ways was now taking note. Xavier went from zero to sixty within a week. Insert, the excessive workload and competitive coworkers! Him and his friends decided to form a rap group and his role was the flashy one. Now everything I mentioned he brought, this may sound good cause what girl doesn't want her boo to dress equally as nice but changing styles ended up changing the person.